As I sit here on the couch on the day after my last chemo treatment, I reflect back on this past year. It was last March when I found the lump. Just "there" one morning and alarmingly big. Ignoring the obvious and not having insurance, I concentrated on my daughter's May 1st wedding instead of going to a doctor. By the time I did get there, it was July and the news wasn't good. In my ignorant bliss, I actually had myself believing that because the lump was painful it wasn't cancer. Obviously I was wrong. Such a strange and surreal thing to hear the word cancer when it's pertaining to you. It took a long time to wrap my head around that. Of course, seeing is believing. The mammogram and the MRI made this all very real. There it was right in front of me. The news that the breast had to go was tramatizing to say the least but it was really the best choice and I was in good hands between my two surgeons. Recovery was tough but I made it through and realized how many wonderful friends I have right here in this tiny town....I can't think of a better place to live or a better bunch of people. (That goes to all of those outside the Hillsboro area too...you know who you are.) Love you all!

Chemo is a bitch. There's no other way to say it. It's poison running through your veins ruining everything in it's path and leaving horrible side effects in its wake. It robs you of your sanity and emotional stability and whatever femininity you had left. It plays with your mind and even now, now that it's over, the fear of recurrence isn't really of a tumor itself, but of having to go through treatment again. Now that I've been there, I know I never want to go back.
So for the next 2 weeks my body will fight against itself, constantly striving for the "other side". I'll get there and I'll be better than ever! I'll have new hair, my eyes will stop watering, my nails won't look rotten anymore, I won't be too exhausted to get up the steps to go to bed. In April I plan to take my life back....back to eating right and exercising 6 days a week...no more nausea and spending my time as a couch potato where tv is overated. I'll be able to form thoughts without chemo-brain. And I can't wait!!!

This might very well be my last blog update as I don't plan on having enough time to spend talking about how I'm always feeling :-D Besides it would be a boring blog to hear about how NORMAL I feel.

This week did not start out well. After a forced rest week last week, my white cell count never rebounded for chemo this week. So I figured that was 2 weeks I would have to make up, pushing this already long drawn out process into April. But I had an oncologist visit today and he had a nice surprise for me. He's changing the regimen. Instead of having smaller doses of Taxatere every week, I'll have a combined 3 week dose with the Carbo. Which means, I have TWO more sessions and I'm finished with the chemo!!!!!! The last one should be March 15!! Might knock me down after the first week but I'll take it if I can be done earlier! I finally have a clearer light at the end of the tunnel!! And maybe some hair.

Bright spot----obvious. :-)

frustration continues

....and the frustration continues...The blood draw I had on Monday sent my schedule into a tailspin. Instead of climbing back up like they were supposed to after skipping a week, my platelets fell even further. The oncologist didn't like the sound of that so he's inserting weeks of rest into my schedule drawing this party out till the END of March. Terrific. But as he points out, it's better to do that than to end up in the hospital with them dangerously low. Next week is my first "rest" week. (no chemo) Hopefully my body will start cooperating and the platelet level will skyrocket. Maybe I'll even get some tastebuds back who knows. Just in time for the next round. I just want to be FINISHED. This week my fingernails appear to be bruised and feel like I got them slammed in a car door. When I asked about it yesterday the nurse told me they're not bruised, they're dying and I will likely lose them. Huh. Could've forewarned me of that little tidbit. I guess there's no part of me this isn't going to ruin.

Bright spot: Had a great chemo day and lunch with Dena :-)

The last couple weeks have been rough...I won't lie. The couch has been my home almost constantly. I've been nauseaus Wednesday-Saturday and tired beyond my wildest imagination. I have red sensitive skin around my eyes, which won't stop tearing so that people keeping asking if i'm crying. My tastebuds are like someone's from another planet....most things taste either like I just took a big drink from the ocean or am eating a tin roof. So my daily meals consist of the only things that taste good which I can name on one hand: eggs, cheese, salad, bananas and oranges. If I try other things it can send my stomach into somersaults. I've got "chemo-brain" and am having a hard time expressing simple English and I have SEVEN more weeks of all of this. Chemo tends to mess with your mind as much as your body. I'm having a really hard time seeing whatever light there is at the end of this 7-week tunnel. It's stealing my positivity.

Ok, I'm done complaining.
Bright spot: (I guess it's bright) Oncology called and said that while my white cells have gone through the roof (thank you Neupegen), my platelets have crashed too far down to have chemo tomorrow and I don't have to make it up because as my oncologist said "there's already PLENTY onboard"...so Hercepten (just a one hour bag) is it for tomorrow. Maybe some of these symptoms will subside a little this week. Heck, by Friday I could actually feel good enough to walk up in the yard...woo hoo.

2nd bright spot: I have the best husband in the world. He has stood beside me, taken care of me, let me cry when I felt like it, put a stop to any pity party, and has just plain BEEN THERE...I know I couldn't have gotten even this far without him. He's definitely my rock and I'm very blessed.

another new reality

So I'm as bald as a cue ball....had more hair on my head when I exited the womb. But the short cut was falling out in splotchy patterns and it was everywhere. Just got sick of it. Night before last I had Steve use his electric razor to take it down and yesterday morning a razor and shaving cream brought off the rest to make me rival Bruce Willis. Just one more thing to strip away what little femininity I had left.
Now I'm making daily trips down to the hospital for Neupugin shots....said to inspire your bone marrow to produce white blood cells. It's also said to cause deep bone and muscle aches. I've had 2 shots now and feel nothing...thanks goodness. Just tired and a tiny bit nauseous today from the biggie on tuesday....not bad.

Bright spot for the day: wigs fit better on a bald head and I still have amazing friends even if I look suspiciously like an alien :-)

glass half full?

At this point I'm just struggling to stay positive....I was supposed to have chemo today (my 3rd session of the super poison) but they tell me my white count is severely compromised so now I'll end up waiting till next Tuesday. I was already prepared to have this week ruined so didn't really plan anything besides Christmas morning with the kids. It'll be nice to feel ok that day, but I had planned to feel better by next week and was hoping to do something fun....anything. It also extends my 18 week period one more week. Ugh.....I'm just venting today.....The glass is still half full...I'm just having trouble seeing it.

Bright spot for the day....I didn't have to sit in a chair and let them pump poison into me and Steve got to work in the shop all day. :-) It's all good...

my new look

ok, so I haven't had short hair since i was mistaken for a boy at the age of 12 so this is a big deal for me. Sometimes I forget that it's short and then catch my reflection and it's still such a surprise. But seeing as it's still thinning pretty rapidly it's MUCH less traumatic now that it's short. Last week was pretty depressing....

Today was my 5th round of the lesser poison...Bridget was my new chemo buddy today. Had a nice day just sitting and chatting. It was soooo cold today but I just couldn't make these legs walk any faster to get across the parking lot. My body is so slow and my mind can't figure out why i'm so weak. It still keeps expecting to work all day and then do a workout, make dinner and clean the house. lol...I get tired after 4 hours of work and nap if I'm lucky enough for it not to be a hospital day or AGI day. In short, I'm realizing my temporary shortcomings and am learning to relax and nap.....after I decorate the rest of the house for Christmas of course. hee hee

Bright spot of the day: we decorated the tree....it's listing to the east and it's a little smaller but it's decorated and pretty. :-)